Monday, July 25, 2011

From My Heart

Sometimes I think it is odd that I can sit down and pour out my heart to a computer screen and through it, to you...whoever it is that reads this. I started out using this blog to share pictures and life with my brother and sister-in-law far away. I'm not sure why I keep it up though sometimes. I guess it feels good to have that sense of sharing. I can share things that usually don't make it up in normal conversation. Hmm.
Mom bought me Radical by David Platt. I'm really excited to read it, she and others have shared some really great stuff from that book. I just keep praying that I don't get in the way as I read. I don't always like doing "hard" stuff, so it will probably be a challenge. I think it will be helpful with where I am at right now mentally/spiritually. The subtitle is: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream, I need to do that.
I had a major meltdown yesterday. It was a bit of a build up from the entire past week. I admit that my hormones were in play, but I think they often just intensify what is really going on, all owing me to recognize it. Last night I was so angry, so very angry. I don't get angry very often, this was close to the angriest I've ever been. It hurt knowing my anger was towards God.
I've been processing it for about 24 hours now. I thought a lot of it had to do with a guy. I was very interested in this guy...and he did not reciprocate. I saw him the other day after a few months and so I thought it was all triggered by that, but it is deeper.
I've always been a believer in "the one", the guy who is just for me. In my mind that meant that I would fall for said guy, he would fall for me and we would do life together(I'm sure I thought it would happen by the age of 24 too). I never once thought about the possibility of me turning guys down. I have however had to deal with the emotions of getting over the guys. My "American Dream" was to meet my soulmate, the one and fall madly in love with him, raise a family and share Christ as a couple. I didn't think I'd be 28, sitting in my parents basement, working fast food and turning guys away because they aren't what I want...just sitting here...waiting. Ugh.
Last night as I cried out to the Lord in my anger and anguish, all I could think was, "God, I don't want to do this anymore." I don't mean life, or suicidal thoughts, I mean living this way. And I also don't mean just my physical location, job, etc... I'm so tired of feeling alone and I've lied to myself and let Satan trick me into believing that the only answer was a man. It would be a lie to think the answer was in a job or new living arrangements also. I want to be alive, alive in the way I'm supposed to be. I want to be alive, even in my parents basement and working fast food. Jesus Christ is my life, the very air I breathe.
We sang As The Deer at church yesterday. One line left me feeling like someone had knocked the wind out of me: You alone are my hearts desire... It was a slap in the face...that has NOT been my heart's desire. My heart's desire has been simply this, getting my own way. I want the guy I wanted or atleast the type of guy I want to want me. I want to be at the same life stage as my friends, having babies and sharing those experiences. I want to have a place to be a homemaker in, not my parents. These are some of the things the cows and horses got to hear last night as I wept.
Hmm. I'm once again wondering why I'm sharing this with the world wide web. Perhaps there is someone out there who will understand and benefit or someone who needs to see that being a follower of Christ is not a walk in the park. I feel like a broken record, but this is my thorn. I turn to the Lord, for that is where my help comes from. I am praying that the Lord will help me to throw off my "American Dream" so I can breathe and live. I'm afraid, but I can't live like this anymore.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.' So I am very happy to speak of my weaknesses. Then Christ's power can live in me."
-2 Corinthians 12:9

"My whole being, praise the LORD and do not forget his kindnesses. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He saves my life from the grave and loads me with love and mercy."
-Psalm 103:2-4

"So do not lose the courage you had in the past, which has a great reward. You must hold on, so you can do what God wants and receive what he has promised."
-Hebrews 10:35-36


  1. Aliss--

    thank you for sharing. I am praying for you. Thank you for being vulnerable and open. This has been something I had to deal with--learning to be vulnerable, real and raw with God..and with others. The Psalms are good to read for this reason. David really cries out to the Lord in many of them.

    I have read radical. It is an incredible book. It's a good reminder that I should read it again!

    Much love to you!!!

  2. Alissa-

    Thanks for having the courage to share.

    I read 'Radical' on the plane while flying, and it definitely shook me. It brought home the point that there is no use in living as a token Christian. Christ demands our whole being, we are to love him mind, soul, and heart.

    Perhaps I need to change how I am praying for you...



    p.s. We do enjoy the pictures ;)

  3. Alissa, I love you so much. You are always in our prayers.

  4. You are brave in your transparency, dear Alissa. I withhold my heart from the worldwide web because I cannot endure any platitudes.