Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Who Has My Heart?
Who has your heart? Such a good question.
I recently found myself struggling deeply with life, I felt like I was drowning in sorrow. I wanted to find my joy but all I could do was despair. It isn't a place where I want or should be.
Fear is a big struggle for me. I let myself think on the future and what it looks like right now...and I started to panic. I let Satan's words worm in to my thoughts and I despaired. Things like:
"You're not enough for someone to love."
"You're too much for someone to love."
"No one wants you!"
"You have no purpose."
I gave into such thoughts and forgot to stop and replace them with truth. My heart was breaking...
My mom and I went to a ladies retreat with some gals at our church a couple weeks ago. I wasn't really expecting anything. I was looking forward to time with my mom and the other church gals. Dee Brestin was to be our speaker. She had weekly questions for us to think on before the retreat. She would be sharing about heart idols.
We arrived late but the ladies had saved us seats. I had to sit at a separate table only across from two of our church ladies. :( So much for getting time with our ladies. Dee is a sweet older lady and she shared from her heart. I found myself holding back tears again and again.
I repeatedly make marriage/children an idol in my life. I was despairing because I couldn't see it anywhere in my future. I was letting my greatest earthly desire become my idol. I was constantly trying to come up with my own plan instead of trusting God. And I was letting my mind run wild. But any substitute for God is idolatry. I can not arm wrestle God.
What resonated most with me was a simple picture she gave of a flower. The old practice of plucking the petals and saying, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not... She reminded us that God simply says, I love you, I love you, I love you. I am more loved and accepted than I dared think! Such a simple truth that I knew in my head but wasn't letting through to my heart.
I must remove the idols I placed in my heart and replace them with Christ. I'm striving to speak to my soul, stopping the swirling whirlpool with the truth of God's word.
I am placing my heart back in His hands!